In an earlier blog, I discussed ‘antecedent control strategies’. Being aware of how to implement these strategies before problem behaviour alleviates stress for ourselves and our children.
Rules are essential in our choices, influencing our responses to events and their consequences. Rules are necessary for children of all ages, providing them with the much-needed structure and boundaries they require to keep them safe. An essential part of following rules is that they allow us to develop a repertoire of skills for adjusting our behaviours when needed. Rules influence our response to particular events and help us avoid inevitable consequences (like being told to stay away from the hot stove) rather than having to experience them directly. (Michael, 2004. p.119).
As a parent, I had never thought about how I had acquired the knowledge or skills to navigate life but, more importantly, what I needed to do to ensure my children had those same skills. We learn by watching others and imitating, being directly taught something and learning the steps, or through instructions and rules. We also know via those unneeded natural consequences like falling off a table I had been told not to climb! Whatever the mode of delivery, consequences guided my choices, and this was how I learnt and how I knew what I knew.
There were times along the parenting continuum when one or both of my children did certain things that involved poor choices. Sure, every child does this, which is one way they learn. However, there were times when both my husband and I would express complete frustration at why the children did what they did or made particularly poor choices. Why did he do this? Why did she do that? Don’t they know??
Well, most of the time, the answer to that is no, they don’t know!! It was my son who inadvertently pointed this out to me. I know, it's hard to admit, but it’s the truth! The great epiphany happened the first time he had gone out bike riding with his friends. I had sent him on his way with the usual tips - no talking to strangers, staying with the group, and making good choices. All the typical stuff you think of the first time they go out into the world without mum.
Admittedly it was only dusk when he arrived home, but it was enough for me to admonish him for not getting home earlier. Through teary eyes, he explained that he didn’t know he had to be home while it was still light outside. All I could think to myself was – “how could any child not automatically know that???” or "How could he not know that it is unsafe for children to be out when it's dark??". In his defence, I'll pause here and say it was one of those mid-winter days where the sun sets much earlier and the days are far too short, particularly when you're outside having fun.
He came home on a high after his first independent outing, and I had burst his bubble. When I thought about it, the pearls of wisdom I had shared about street smarts hadn't included a discussion about curfew. So, folks, it was then that I took a good, long, hard look at myself and began to correct my misguided assumptions. I decided to create a list of rules for our family.
We decided to include our children in the process of developing the family rules to ensure a more effective way of understanding what is expected in our home rather than depending on the power of osmosis!!! It provided a way to avoid some of the misunderstandings we had about family expectations.
Here are a few guidelines to direct you onto the right course when developing your family rules:
Firstly, ensure all family members are involved. This establishes awareness of expectations. Ask how long they think is an appropriate time to be out bike riding or what is an acceptable amount of time to be on the PlayStation. Their answer may not match what you think is adequate, but it is an excellent way to negotiate to satisfy both parties. These discussions are also a great opportunity to encourage and build your child's confidence in communicating their opinions and ideas with others.
Ensure everyone understands the rules: To minimise confusion, have a set of common rules that apply to everyone; however, it may be necessary to consider having a few individual ones as well.
Teach the rules: Depending on age, you might put a visual of family rules on the fridge or share them electronically via a note or reminder app. Particularly with younger children, you may need to model or role-play some expectations to ensure understanding and reduce confusion.
Reinforce rule-following For rules and instruction to be effective, children also need some form of reinforcement. This might be a simple comment like "Thank you for coming home on time." Communicate to your child the consequences of following rules. Positive reinforcement ensures the likelihood of repeating the behaviour in the future.
Consider age appropriateness of rules: Keep rules short and simple. Teenagers would think it was pretty lame if, when they're 16, you still had the rule in place of "get mum or dad to turn on the hot water taps"!!
Rules should always be stated positively with clear expectations. For example, a rule such as "you need to be home by 4 p.m." is clearer than "don't be home late." Mayer, Sulzer-Azaroff, and Wallace (2014, p.542) suggest shifting the focus away from “what not to do” to “what to do.” In rule development, always demonstrate supportiveness, not negativity.
Lastly, meet regularly to rewrite, add or omit certain rules. Acknowledge and respect that as your children's behavioural repertoires grow, you may need to adjust your rules accordingly.
Sometimes, we need to take our children aside to discuss what they've done wrong. Sometimes, it is a legitimate concern or an important issue that needs to be addressed. But before you begin the conversation, no matter what age your child is, pause and take a breath. Sometimes, we can be a little too quick to judge our children's actions, mainly if it's socially inappropriate behaviour. Never assume, my friend! Only adults (or older children) know the consequence of taking chocolate from a shop counter and not paying for it. However, from a three or 4-year-old's perspective, it is something extraordinarily yummy and there for the taking!!
References:
Mayer, G., Sulzer-Azaroff, B., & Wallace, M. (2014). Behavior analysis for Lasting Change. (3rd ed., pp. 540 - 544). New York: Sloan Publishing.
Michael, J. (2004). Concepts and principles of Behavior analysis (pp.119). Kalamazoo, Michigan.: Western Michigan University, Association for Behavior Analysis International.